Once there was Darkness

Kessa finally stopped at the river. “Please talk to me.” Kol pleaded. She didn’t say a word. “Were you trying to take my head off?”

“I was fighting with Max.”

“I am aware. Frego is the one who pointed out you were fighting with your emotions not your head.” He lowered his voice. “Kessa?”

“All this emotional stuff, I can’t handle. I just want to lay it out on the training field and leave it there.”

“Where does that leave me?”

“You deal with your issues in your own way. And I have mine.”

“I always come back around to you.”

She sat down and he followed. “The things I’m upset about; why can’t I feel them, process, and move on?”

“I love you. It hurts my heart to know you are upset.”

“I understand and appreciate that. I love you. These are my issues. It isn’t my desire to hurt you. Just let me work them out and leave them laying back there.” He never said a word. He only watched her.

Finally in whispered tones he asked, “I thought your struggle with God was over?”

“Ask me. Just ask me all the questions you want answers too. Ask me now. But I’m begging you; after this, let it go. Let them all go.” Tears rolled down her face.

He tried to swallow away the lump in is throat. “Me and you, are we okay?”

She hid her face on her knees. “We have always been okay.”

“But you are not. That means we are not.”

“Sometimes when you and I talk, I don’t always have all the information I need about things. Somethings, I still don’t know everything.” She took a deep breath. “I have learnt that each time Rajaf used the white liquid, there was a trade off. As you are aware, I have a weak arm now where I was shot with the arrow. My scars are white, where yours (for example) are light brown. The accident in the Forest of Shadows, I can’t have children. Honestly, I’m okay with that. I will be the loving grandmother if Frego will let me.” She sniffed, “I’m too old any way. I don’t have the energy to keep up with a child.”

“You spent half a day kicking both mine and Max’s behinds.”

She smiled, “that’s half a day. A child is constant. In the bell tower, I wanted to die. I was ready.”

“Kessa?”

“I had gone over that morning to check on dad. All day, I hung there all day. I wanted Max to get you out of the tower and just let the bell fall.”

His voice cracked, “that would have killed me.”

“I know that now.” She looked at him. Now he was about to cry. “Those dreams you shared with me; I have a function in this life. I’ve never questioned that. As you’ve told me, I’m good at my job. The rising tide, yes. I’ve sat there on that beach and let the tide roll in over me. Praying it would take me out with it. But it never did. I stood on the edge of that cliff praying the wind would blow me over but it never did. Satan uses my weaknesses against me. My feelings of loneliness, emptiness, incompleteness. My failures and my flaws.”

“Those rooms full of stuff at your dad’s.”

“His trophies, not mine.” She sighed. “I fought against being your general because I wanted something more than being a military figure.” He started to speak but she stopped him. “You made valid points. This isn’t on you. It just made sense.”

“Is that why you tried other interest? Trying to drown out the military?”

“Trying to find me. Maybe that was Satan as well. Maybe I was never lost.”

“You never intended to share this with me?” She shook her head ‘no’. “How many times have you said to me that my burdens were your burdens. Why say that to me?”

“Because I love you.”

“Am I not allowed to express the same care and compassion for my wife? The woman that is my rock.” She hid her face from him. He moved to where he was right beside her.

“The things you are going through are more defined. Why burden your heart with things I can’t process?”

“Because they burden you.” He hugged her up. “Kessa,” he moved kneeling in front of her. ‘God help me say the right words. He said a quick prayer ‘God help me say the right words.’ “You are the strongest person I know. You don’t have to be strong. Take off your armor.”

Her voice was so soft. She wasn’t sure she said it out loud. “How?” She sniffed, “I hate this.” She took a deep breath, “promise me you will not try to fix things. Somethings I just need to lay it out, process, then come us with a solution. Don’t take my feelings and inabilities personally. This mess that I am, you didn’t do this.” She couldn’t look him in the face. Instead, she laced her fingers through his. “I have discovered that it brings me great comfort falling asleep on your shoulder. Feeling your arms wrapped around me. I know in my heart that if I fall you will catch me. But my head hasn’t caught up yet.”

His heart was breaking. With a gentle finger he lifted her chin. Her eyes were red from crying. Tears streamed down her face. ‘How to respond? How to tell her all that was in his heart?’ He was a ball of nerves. “You have been here for me my entire life. Now, I’m here for you. We are here for each other.”