Winter Season

This again

The next morning found Oscar blindly standing at her window staring out. Rain was coming down in buckets matching the gray feeling in his heart. She wrapped her arms around his waist as she laid her head on his back. He loved that feeling. The slow movement of her hands sliding from his sides around his body until they overlapped at his bellybutton; the gentle squeeze of her holding on to him followed by the warmth of her body against his. He always held his breath until her head was against his back. Sometimes she would rub her cheek against his back as she nestled into place. He put his hand over hers.

“A penny for your thoughts.”

He thought for a moment about how to say what he was feeling. After a deep breath, he came out with, “you’ll think I’m silly.”

“Have I ever thought you were silly?”

She did have a point. “No.” He hung his head as he spoke, “do you think I would make a good father?”

“I think the better question is, do you think you’d make a good father?” He shocked her by spinning around breaking her hold and she almost lost her balance. Her window had a small ledge on it; he leaned on the ledge facing her. “I didn’t think you wanted children.”

“In the grand scheme of life, I don’t.” He took a deep breath. “Each time my brother has another child I go through this. I can’t help but think, how God can allow him to father another child. If it wasn’t for my mother, those kids would have been taken by the state long ago. As crazy as she is, she is the one that keeps them fed, clean, makes sure they get on the bus,” he threw his hand up in the air, “and wipes their behind. I don’t understand why God allows it. There are people in this world that would kill for a child of their own but he is allowed to breed at will.” He rubbed his lips together, staring at the floor, “I don’t know what was wrong with me when Alex was born. But that night after I got back from the hospital, all I could do was cry. All I could feel was sorrow. I have chosen a different path in life. Fatherhood, I feel, isn’t for me. But I always ask myself why? I always feel this burden of sadness.”

She was sitting on the couch watching him. “Personally, I think you would make a great dad. You have an overwhelming capacity for kindness that I think is essential for a parent. However, I do believe there are those of us that aren’t meant to be parents. Either we feel we’re broken or know that we don’t have what it takes.”

He sat in the floor, “but knowing still doesn’t make it not hurt.”

She sat with him, “sometimes knowing is worse.” His gaze was still on the floor. “So why would you make a horrible father?”

“You said you didn’t want children either, what would make you a horrible mother?” He finally made eye contact with her. The look in his eyes were begging her to answer his question.

She took a deep breath, “I have no patience. I can’t stand whining. It angers me when snot nose brats are in the store and they are back-talking the person trying to raise them. I just want to smack them or shake them until they show respect.”

“We learn relationships from our parents. Human interaction, be it with a lover or a friend; I have never wanted to end up like my parents. I over think things, I feel too much, I just,” he closed his eyes, shaking his head. “Everything I’ve done with you has been a leap of faith. I have this little voice inside of me encouraging me with you.”

She smiled, “such as?”

He thought to himself, okay – here goes the end of this relationship. “The first night I met you. That voice encouraged me to invite you in for dinner. It has encouraged me to open my heart to you. Things I would have never done on my own. Quite possibly couldn’t have done.”

“Now it’s your turn to think I’m crazy.” She played with her fingers. “I have that same voice inside me. The two halves of me voiced an opinion at the same time about accepting your dinner invitation. Something I would have never done before, accepting such an invitation. I have often wondered if it’s God talking to us?”

He raised an eyebrow, “I’ve never thought of it that way.”

“I’m sorry that you feel sad.”

He took her hands in his.  It was a long time before he spoke. “I love you.”

She leaned in and kissed him on the forehead, “I love you too.”

“You would make a fantastic mother.”

She blushed, “thanks.”

“You know,” he held her by the waist. “You never did give me that spanking you promised.” He pulled her close kissing her with THAT KISS.

She took a deep breath, “when I do, it will be unexpected.”

Winter Season