Lost Past; A Star Trek Story

Posted byChico’s MomPosted inLost Past; A Star Trek Story, UncategorizedTags:, , , , , , ,

Paramount Global owns the Star Trek franchise. This is a piece of fan fiction based on Star Trek the Next Generation characters. 

No connection?

    Data got up to leave, “excuse me.” He went to Councilor Troi’s office.

    “Data, what a surprise. How can I help you?”

    “I need some information from you. I need to know how many people have come to you in the last two months complaining of heightened states of emotion. I need to know the complaint and the species.” He left as abruptly as he arrived. He did the same to Dr. Crusher. She was as confused as Deanna by the request.

    Deanna and Beverly arrived at the same time to Data’s quarters. “Have you been charged with the same task?” Beverly asked.

    “Yes, I asked you both the same questions.” Data answered as he entered the room. Spot jumped on the chair meowing. Data had on black pants and a long sleeve black shirt. His uniform shirt was draped over the back of the chair Spot jumped in. 

    “Data?” Beverly asked, “you don’t have shoes on?”

    “I am in my quarters.”

    She just looked at Deanna in amazement.

    “Have a seat ladies.” He paced as he read their reports. “What do we know about these societies?”

    “I don’t think that will work Data.” Beverly answered.

    “Why?”

    “They have no common thread. I ran some statistical data of my own. I have had 300 separate complaints in the past two months with everyone from a toe ache to the wild fiasco the other day. There isn’t a common denominator.”

    “Scat.” Data said to Spot. He jumped out of the chair then Data sat down. He was still reading the logs. “What about you Counselor?”

    “I have found two common denominators in my cases. I have had 50 separate complaints related to emotions or the lack there of. My most extremes have been, you Data, an animation of feelings that you shouldn’t be having; to a complete drain of emotion. With the exception of you, my two groupings are very aggressive species or species that are very connected to their emotions.” 

    “You have listed yourself.”

    “I have been having ‘feelings’ that I can’t explain either.”

    Data continued to read. “We have not had any reports of violent activity.” He rubbed his chin. “Maybe I am looking for something that does not exist? Thank you.”

    Beverly and Deanna looked at each other once again as they got up to leave. They heard a thud. Data was laying on the floor as if he had fallen out of his chair. Data’s body started jerking. They jumped back. On his hands appeared holes as if someone was burning them.

    Data saw Sher. She was lying on a golden slab in the floor. Her hands and feet were being burnt with a rod he didn’t recognize. She wouldn’t scream. Wouldn’t cry. Wouldn’t move. Her tormentors wanted these reactions. This treatment was repeated for days. Each morning when the tormentors appeared the marks from the day before had disappeared. When they realized this wasn’t working, they started experimenting with other forms of torture. 

    Data woke still lying in the floor. He looked at his hands. There were no marks. Nor were there any on his feet. He noticed that Deanna and Beverly were both still in his quarters. 

    “How are you feeling?”

    “Dazed and confused.” He confessed.

Published by Chico’s Mom

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17 thoughts on “Lost Past; A Star Trek Story”

  2. OK don’t hate me this is the teacher in me…

    ⚠️ What’s Not Working:

    Flat Dialogue & Pacing:

    Conversations are functional but lack emotional depth or tension.

    Characters report things rather than show them.

    No Clear Stakes or Direction Yet:

    We’re not sure what Data is really trying to uncover or what the consequences are.

    There’s no antagonistic force or mystery that’s been framed for the reader to care about.

    Abrupt Transitions:

    Data suddenly collapses with no buildup.

    The hallucination is vivid but comes out of nowhere, with no integration afterward.

    Minimal Characterization:

    Data, Troi, and Crusher all sound similar and aren’t fully fleshed out.

    ✅ What’s Promising:

    Mystery of emotional disturbances on the ship — classic Trek setup.

    Data’s involvement makes sense — as someone without emotions, his having them is a red flag.

    Hallucination of Sher — there’s an implied deeper narrative or interdimensional link.

    🛠 Suggestions to Improve the Story:

    1. Give It a Stronger Hook

    Start with something weird happening, not Data walking to Troi’s office. Maybe:

    The ship’s lights flickered. Again.
    Data didn’t blink—he didn’t need to. But he noted the timestamp. Third time this cycle. Something was wrong. Not with the lights. With the crew.

    When Ensign Delari screamed mid-briefing and began sobbing uncontrollably, he began logging incidents. Quietly. Discreetly. Until the anomaly reached him.

    Now you’ve got atmosphere and purpose.

    2. Add a Clear Mystery Thread

    Have Data link all the complaints to one location or one event — perhaps a planetary visit, a warp field disturbance, a new energy form.

    Have Troi say something like:

    “Every case started within 48 hours of entering the Jarnell Nebula.”
    Now there’s a lead.

    3. Let Data’s Breakdown Build Tension

    Right now, he just faints out of nowhere. Let his systems glitch subtly earlier:

    A tremor in his hand

    A sentence cut off mid-thought

    A delay in response Then the collapse has weight and suspense.

    4. Give Sher Meaning

    Who is she? A shared dream figure? Someone from Data’s past? A memory implant? A psychic echo from a being trapped in another dimension? Give us a breadcrumb.

    Troi: “You called out a name—Sher. Who is that?”
    Data (blinking rapidly): “Unknown.”

    Now you’ve added mystery.

    5. Raise the Stakes

    Have another officer collapse. Or someone lash out. Maybe the hallucination leaves a mark this time.

    ✍️ Sample Rewrite (First Few Paragraphs):

    Title: No Connection?
    (A Star Trek: The Next Generation Fanfic)

    The lights dimmed briefly for the third time that hour. Data, seated alone in his quarters, tilted his head.

    “Computer, log minor power fluctuation—secondary conduit seven.”

    He had already logged twenty-six anomalies this week. Not technical ones—emotional. Illogical mood swings. Erratic behavior from senior officers and junior crew alike. And now… himself?

    Data stood, placed his cat Spot gently onto the floor, and left for Counselor Troi’s office.

    “Data?” Troi’s eyes widened. “You’re early for your appointment—do you need something?”

    “I require information. Specifically, a list of all crew members who have reported heightened emotional states in the last two months. Please include the species and emotional category.”

    Before Troi could speak, he turned. “I will be visiting Dr. Crusher next.”

    And just like that—he was gone.

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    Reply

      1. Hee hee I love that emoji. I feel like that was some pretty strong critical appreciation Cazzy sent your way yesterday and I think you accepted it awesomely. (Is that a word?)

        I think you’re doing great with your characterizations and tension building, by the way, and as I’ve mentioned I’m not even a Trekkie. I do think your stories tend to be slow burn and I like that too. I think Winter Season is a great example of a long form work that really built us some characters and showed me some difficult things that left an impression on me. I also think that daily fiction writing on the fly is extremely difficult, and that you do it extremely well. Keep it up!

        The other day I said that we must appreciate anyone who takes the time to read our work, and I stand by that. I know from experience (both giving and receiving) that criticism can be hard to take. I also know that it can be very useful and worth listening to. We’re a gang now and I hope that here on WordPress we can always use “open communication with an assumption of positive intent” with one another. (That’s a boardroom business thing that I don’t know anything about, but the idea works very well for writing.)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I appreciate the help. I am here to learn.

        It is difficult to make every scene a barn burner. Sometimes the characters (in my humble opinion) need to breathe. Even during slower times, I know there is a better way to do things.

        Direction is always appreciated. All I ask is not to be mean about it. We all have feelings. And I don’t think Cazzy was. You can send a story to a contest and they want you to pay for a critique like that.

        Thank you for the kind words.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Of course. Have you read Cazzy’s Four Kingdoms? It’s one of my favorite works I’ve found here on WordPress🙂There’s a link on my Reviews if you ever want to check it out!

        Liked by 1 person

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