Oscar was sitting at his desk dreaming about going home. But that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. He was asked to be part of a teachers meeting about one of his students. The state of dread in him was great. He shot Esther a text to let her know he was going to be late but had no idea how late.
Six teachers and the principal sat in the teachers’ lounge talking about this student. Oscar listened with detached interest.
“Mr. Patterson, do you have anything you would like to add to the conversation?” Principal Davis asked him.
“Mr. Smith can be disruptive. But he hasn’t done anything that would warrant me sending him to you. If he likes the material, he is as good as gold. But if he’s bored, he fidgets. I try to redirect his attention. It works most of the time.”
“Most of the time, what happens when it doesn’t work?”
“I find a different way to redirect his attention.”
Cindy spoke up, “I have had other students complain about him.” It was the strangest thing; her nervous tick of clicking her tongue was gone. Could Esther have been right? Had she been interested in him?
One of the other teachers passed around a log of all the things Mr. Smith had done in her class. Oscar reached for it with his left hand, Cindy screamed, “a wedding band!” She blushed, “when did you get married?”
“Last weekend, but we aren’t here to talk about my marriage. We are here to talk about a way to make sure Duke finishes high school. Are we not?”
“I say kick him out.” Norman voiced. “He’s not going to amount to anything anyway.”
Oscar was ashamed. “Who are we to judge that?”
“The people that’s trying to teach him,” Norman shot back.
In a very calm voice, Principal Davis spoke, “Oscar, he has an F in everyone’s class but yours.”
“Maybe he just likes science?” Came Oscar’s sarcastic answer.
Patty snorted, “Maybe his dad grows pot?”
“Then wouldn’t he be better off in vocational school?” Oscar retorted, “I think future farmers of America might be a good fit.”
“We still have a lot of things to do before we can decide what to do with him?” Davis let out a long sigh. “But we did need to get together and talk about this. I have had way to many complains on this child to let it go any longer. Let’s meet again in two weeks to see if the situation has changed before I take this to the superintendent.”
The next morning found Oscar blindly standing at her window staring out. Rain was coming down in buckets matching the gray feeling in his heart. She wrapped her arms around his waist as she laid her head on his back. He loved that feeling. The slow movement of her hands sliding from his sides around his body until they overlapped at his bellybutton; the gentle squeeze of her holding on to him followed by the warmth of her body against his. He always held his breath until her head was against his back. Sometimes she would rub her cheek against his back as she nestled into place. He put his hand over hers.
“A penny for your thoughts.”
He thought for a moment about how to say what he was feeling. After a deep breath, he came out with, “you’ll think I’m silly.”
“Have I ever thought you were silly?”
She did have a point. “No.” He hung his head as he spoke, “do you think I would make a good father?”
“I think the better question is, do you think you’d make a good father?” He shocked her by spinning around breaking her hold and she almost lost her balance. Her window had a small ledge on it; he leaned on the ledge facing her. “I didn’t think you wanted children.”
“In the grand scheme of life, I don’t.” He took a deep breath. “Each time my brother has another child I go through this. I can’t help but think, how God can allow him to father another child. If it wasn’t for my mother, those kids would have been taken by the state long ago. As crazy as she is, she is the one that keeps them fed, clean, makes sure they get on the bus,” he threw his hand up in the air, “and wipes their behind. I don’t understand why God allows it. There are people in this world that would kill for a child of their own but he is allowed to breed at will.” He rubbed his lips together, staring at the floor, “I don’t know what was wrong with me when Alex was born. But that night after I got back from the hospital, all I could do was cry. All I could feel was sorrow. I have chosen a different path in life. Fatherhood, I feel, isn’t for me. But I always ask myself why? I always feel this burden of sadness.”
She was sitting on the couch watching him. “Personally, I think you would make a great dad. You have an overwhelming capacity for kindness that I think is essential for a parent. However, I do believe there are those of us that aren’t meant to be parents. Either we feel we’re broken or know that we don’t have what it takes.”
He sat in the floor, “but knowing still doesn’t make it not hurt.”
She sat with him, “sometimes knowing is worse.” His gaze was still on the floor. “So why would you make a horrible father?”
“You said you didn’t want children either, what would make you a horrible mother?” He finally made eye contact with her. The look in his eyes were begging her to answer his question.
She took a deep breath, “I have no patience. I can’t stand whining. It angers me when snot nose brats are in the store and they are back-talking the person trying to raise them. I just want to smack them or shake them until they show respect.”
“We learn relationships from our parents. Human interaction, be it with a lover or a friend; I have never wanted to end up like my parents. I over think things, I feel too much, I just,” he closed his eyes, shaking his head. “Everything I’ve done with you has been a leap of faith. I have this little voice inside of me encouraging me with you.”
She smiled, “such as?”
He thought to himself, okay – here goes the end of this relationship. “The first night I met you. That voice encouraged me to invite you in for dinner. It has encouraged me to open my heart to you. Things I would have never done on my own. Quite possibly couldn’t have done.”
“Now it’s your turn to think I’m crazy.” She played with her fingers. “I have that same voice inside me. The two halves of me voiced an opinion at the same time about accepting your dinner invitation. Something I would have never done before, accepting such an invitation. I have often wondered if it’s God talking to us?”
He raised an eyebrow, “I’ve never thought of it that way.”
“I’m sorry that you feel sad.”
He took her hands in his. It was a long time before he spoke. “I love you.”
She leaned in and kissed him on the forehead, “I love you too.”
“You would make a fantastic mother.”
She blushed, “thanks.”
“You know,” he held her by the waist. “You never did give me that spanking you promised.” He pulled her close kissing her with THAT KISS.
She took a deep breath, “when I do, it will be unexpected.”
When he woke, the room was dark. He was covered up. Light peaked out from the bathroom door. When she returned to bed, he wrapped her up.
She asked again, “Honey, are you okay?”
“I am now.” He snuggled up against her. “Do you remember on my birthday how I wanted you to kiss me but you were so unsure. You’ve always gotten it right. But I know there is a way that I can kiss you and you melt like chocolate in the sun.”
“I know.”
“You found your kiss.”
She giggled, “really.”
“Dear God, really.” He rubbed his nose in her hair.
“Was this our first fight?”
“Did we really fight?” He looked puzzled.
“You don’t have a black eye. None of our clothes are in the yard. There wasn’t any cussing or screaming.”
He kissed her neck and across her shoulder. “I don’t like any of that.”
“Nor do I.”
“I will work on being able to say what I feel. I can’t always think of the right words in the moment.”
“I understand that and will do the same.”
“Ess.”
“Yes.”
“Let’s go ahead and get married.”
She rolled over in his arms, caressing his face. “Are you sure?”
“I’ve been sure.” His voice cracked. “Ever since Valentine’s Day, I’ve been sure. I love you.” He moved to hover over her.
She wrapped her legs around his waist. “I must confess; I like it when you take control. I have been in control all of my life. I trust you and it feels freeing to let you drive.”
He kissed her with THAT KISS, “I was thinking that same thing. How intoxicating it was that you wanted me and took what you wanted.”
He gasped as she licked his ear, “so one of these days if I want to rip your clothes off and do unspeakable things to you, you’ll let me.”
“What kind of unspeakable things?”
She giggled, “oh, I’m sure I can think of something naughty.”
“I bet you can,” he said playfully.
She rubbed her fingers through his hair, “are we okay? I’m learning as I go on this.”
He came back into the kitchen, soaking wet. She couldn’t hide her shocked expression. He must have sat on the steps in order to have gotten wet. His frame cascaded into the floor putting his head in his hands.
“Make it stop.”
“Where do you want to start?”
“I feel like you made this decision without me.”
She gave him a blanket and sat down in front of him. “Tell me how you figure that?”
“I thought I had time.”
“Yes originally you did.”
“Why make the decision early? Why not tell me?”
“Oscar, though you was extremely supportive about the church issue. Other than that, you’ve been as distant as the stars. I feel like you holding me every night is like a death mass for you.”
He shook his head, breathing through his mouth. “I was,” he hissed. “I needed you to feel how much I love you. I was trying to show you.”
She held his face in her hands. His skin was cold and he was trembling. “Sweetheart, I know that you love me. And you show me every day. But this is something that we needed to talk about together. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have told you about it. I would’ve went ahead and told Chaz to start talking. I understand that the thought of me being a cop scares the life out of you. That is why I went ahead and told Chaz no. I will find a job that doesn’t scare you and that will be challenging enough for me.”
He removed her hands, holding them. “I don’t want you to hate me. I don’t want you to resent me.”
“I don’t.”
“You say that now. But what about the next fight that we have? Will you bring it up that I knocked you out of chasing your dream because I was a coward?”
She took a deep breath, “you’re not a coward. It takes an enormous amount of courage to love someone. Even more courage to say that you are scared when the easy thing to do would be to fold.”
She got up while he remained in the floor.
No one had ever told him he was courageous. He felt lost but wasn’t sure why.
She came back sitting in the floor with him again, “I had lunch with Chaz and Chet today.” Oscar looked at her like she had just lost her mind and sprouted three heads. “I figured Chet would tell you.” He shook his head no. “I had pretty much made the decision that I wasn’t going to accept Chaz’s offer. So I invited him to lunch to tell him. As we were eating and talking, Chet walked in so I invited him over. We talked a great deal about the current state of affairs surrounding police officers now. Chaz can retire in 6 years. He’s buying three years so he can retire early. Even though Chet told me that this small town hasn’t reached national proportions, he agreed with Chaz that right now, it’s not a good time to be in law enforcement. There is so much animosity toward cops. Chaz did say two things I think you would appreciate: how happy he was that I’m not in New York anymore, and that he was impressed that I let you help me make this decision. There was a time in my life where I would have just done it.” She left again.
He wasn’t sure how long he sat there in the floor but he finally staggered to his feet. Leaning on the counter for stability, he thought for a brief moment that he was going to be sick. All kinds of thoughts rolled through his head. Thoughts he couldn’t control. The last thing he wanted to do was have a panic attack. He felt her hands around his waist. There was no fight in him as she removed his sweater. Her hands tracing the buttons of his shirt compounded with the fog that was already in his mind, overwhelmed him. His knees buckled under him.
It was always her being caught by him. It was an interesting turn of events as she caught him. All three of his shirts were wet. She traced her fingers all over his shoulders, his back, up and down his sides, round his waist and then back up his chest. She loosened his belt and pants. As she got up, he got up. Everything he had on was wet. With that same slow gentle touch, she caused his pants and underwear to slosh to the floor. He stepped out of them for her, kicking off his socks and shoes at the same time.
She guided him to the bed. He just sat there as she rubbed her fingers through his hair, down his neck and across his shoulders. He gathered his wits about him and set up against the headboard, closing his eyes as she continued to touch him. “Please,” he moaned. She leaned in and kissed him. His body went limp. She laid her hands on his chest. When she released him from the kiss, he was panting and she felt every breath.
She whispered in his ear, “what were you goin’ to say?”
“Don’t stop.” His eyes were still closed. He felt her move and he felt the warmth of her skin against his.
She kissed him again. This kiss was intoxicating. It was mind numbing. He melted like butter into a pool. “Talk to me.”
His head was pounding. His heart was racing. He thought he might explode. He finally found his hands rubbing his fingers through her hair. “Kiss me.”
She did as he wished. He was unable to keep his fingers in her hair. They cascaded down her body to his side. There was no tongue in this kiss. It was just emotion. He felt her insecurities, her timidness, but as the kiss progressed it was suppressed passion; a desire that burn like the surface of the sun. He knew about the way that he kissed her that sent her body into overdrive. He felt like he was being rebooted like a stubborn computer. As his mind came back on-line, his body was alive. Her moist lips and hot mouth were no longer engulfed on his but she was exploring his body. He grabbed ahold of the headboard for support. She whispered in his ear, “aren’t ja gonna talk to me?”
“What do you want to talk about?” He panted, overcome by her touch.
“Anything?”
He moaned, crying out with desire as she took control of him.
He gasped, “Ess.” There was no part of him that she didn’t consume. No part that she didn’t taste, leaving her hot impression as she moved. He couldn’t breathe. His chest was on fire begging for air.
“No panicked feelings.”
“No,” he hissed.
She smacked her lips. “Promise?”
He cried out, “promise.”
With her hot mouth on his body, he became covered with cold chills.
She caressed his face, “sweetheart, are you okay?” Her voice was distant, like a memory almost. He felt her hand on his chest.“Oscar?” Her tone had changed, it was stronger. She placed his head on her chest. He barely heard her heart beat. The pounding in his ears was his own heart. She wrapped her arms around him as she kissed the top of his head.
Oscar stressed all the way home about how to handle this. He didn’t want a fight. On the other hand, he didn’t want her to not try. She was right; she hadn’t even got the job. He didn’t want her to resent him. He loved her so much.
She had shot him a text before he left about dinner. He walked into her living room with his heart on his sleeve. But she wasn’t in the living room, or the kitchen. The timer was ticking away telling him that dinner would be ready in five minutes. In an instant he knew where she was, the back door was cracked. She didn’t turn around when he stepped outside.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” she answered. Her voice was flat.
He stood beside her. “Chaz paid me a visit today.”
“I thought he might.”
“What prompted you to go ahead and call him?”
“You are visibly uncomfortable with me returning to my old life. I’ll find something to do.”
She turned away walking back into the kitchen as the timer started to ring. A piping hot tray of pork chops was pulled from the oven with cornbread stuffing.
“Did you know that he had a thing for you?”
“Yeah,” she answered as she plated up the pork chops and mashed potatoes. “I never would allow him to act on it. Working with someone you’re dating is a nightmare.”
“He would delight in stumpin’ my ass.”
“I know.”
He got two drinks from the fridge, setting them on the table. He took her by the shoulders, “Ess please,” he looked deep into her eyes.
“I don’t have to beat you up over this. You are doin’ a good enough job for me.”
They sat at the table, “I don’t know what to say.”
“One, I’ve been out of the game too long. When Chet was talking about the changes in the law the other day, it was amazing. I knew changes were coming but they seem to be radical to me. Two, my left shoulder is a mess. It is a huge liability. You saw evidence of this. Three, the last couple years have been hard on my nerves and my body. Waiting for the ball to drop has added thirty pounds to my waist line, at least untold gray hairs to my head. Four, I’m not going to add undo stress to our relationship/marriage if it doesn’t have to be there.”
Oscar was dumbfounded. His stomach reminded him of just how hungry he was.
There was a knock at the door. To Esther’s amazement, it was Pam. “Come in. O, you’re mother.” She called to him.
Oscar’s heart was already on his sleeve. Now his stomach was on the floor. His mother looked sad. “Mom?”
“I won’t stay long. I heard down at the store that you two are engaged. Is it true?” Her voice was steady, monotone almost.
“It is.” Oscar was trying really hard to remain calm.
“Congratulations are in order.”
“Thank you.”
“Do you know you’re an uncle again?”
“I knew she was pregnant.”
“A girl this time, Josette.”
“I’m sure dad would be thrilled.”
“You haven’t called in a long time.”
“I usually don’t call people that fire guns into my house and wound my fiancée. I don’t interact with people that pack lies and try to start fights under my own roof.” She didn’t say a word. “What did you tell him mom? What did you tell Oat that made him mad enough to try to start a fight with me? What did you tell him that would in-sight enough rage that he shot into my house?”
She turned and left. “How do you like that?”Oscar retreated to the back porch.
While it was still fresh in her mind, she wrote a statement for Chet just in case his mother tried to start something. She then wrapped up what was left of dinner. Oscar was sitting in a chair with his head in his hands. It had started raining. He either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
“What can I do?”
He whispered, “I don’t know.” She put her arms around his shoulders as she laid her head on top of his. His heart was breaking. She was right here. The warmth from her touch was inviting. After a few minutes, she left him alone, figuring he needed time to sort out his emotions. He has just had two balls drop; one much worse than the other. She finished cleaning up the kitchen.
Poetry & More 