I love most of them. Normally I would have said all of them but I tried a lemon blueberry cake ball over the weekend that was 🤢. Not good. Lemon and blueberry are both delicious. It made me sad and disappointed my tastebuds that this treat was lackluster.
From Halloween to January 2nd, the ‘holidays’ represent all the things I enjoy.
After Thanksgiving, I haven’t even stepped on the scales. Nope.
With all the good food to eat, I let myself get wigged out. ‘Well you over eat this week. Might as well forget this whole process.’ This happened when I jumped on the Adkins train. 41 pounds down; when I ate a Reeces cup, it was over. The weight came back. And I’m sure then some.
Not this time. I’m not going to spiral out of control. I did start riding my exercise bike again. 5 minutes a day unless I’m able to take a walk break at work. My plan is to increase my time a little every 30 days. Here’s to trying.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying it.” He spread his coat on the ground and sat down, she joined him, setting between his knees. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders.
“Where is that smoke coming from?”
“That’s where Priscilla’s parents live.”
“This place is so remote. How on earth did you survive?”
“I didn’t know any better.” After a moment of silence he asked, “Esther, the other night you told me that you loved me.”
“I did.”
“I wasn’t sure you heard me at the party and I was too scared to say it again.”
“Oh, I heard you loud and clear. I just had to find the courage to say it as well. But then again, I sent it in a text.”
“I know.” He held her a little tighter. “I know we haven’t known each other a full month. But then again, I feel like I’ve known you my entire life.” He laid his head on hers, “the first time I kissed you,”
She stopped him, “I didn’t think you remembered that.” He didn’t say anything, she gasped, “you don’t remember.”
“Of course I do, it hasn’t been a month yet.”
He could hear the smile in her voice, “O, we were children the first time you kissed me.”
“Then I don’t remember.”
“Remind me when we get home.”
“You’re not going to remind me?”
“Not now.” They continued staring out over the landscape for a long time. “This is so beautiful.”
Oscar was almost a sleep when, “you two cute.” It was Doris. “Sorry Oscar; Oat didn’t tell me you was with sum body. Pam says she wantin’ more grand babies and I be perfect.”
“Doris,” Oscar finally spoke, trying so hard to be nice. “I am sure you will find a good man in God’s time.”
“Pam says vittles ready.”
“Thank you.”
“Doris,” Esther called to her. “How do you fit into all this?” Doris looked confused. “Are you a friend of the family? Are you kin to someone?”
“Oh,” she smiled, proudly showing off her four teeth. “Pussy my cousin.”
“I was just being nosy.” It didn’t seem to bother Doris in the least.
When they got back into the house, another person was there. This new person was wearing a giant set of headphones. “Maw, may I have this?” New person was holding the poinsettia that Esther had brought.”
“If you’d like,” Pam flipped her hand at the wrist. “I was gonna toss it anyway.”
Esther eyed Oscar. Now she REALLY knew what Pam thought about her. Not that she had much doubt.
“Hi Uncle Oscar.”
Oscar spoke as he hung his coat on the wall behind a potbelly stove to dry. “Hi Alex.” Oscar’s voice was almost a whisper despite all the noise in the house. “Merry Christmas.”
“Yeah, whatever. Maw, may I take my plate to my room?”
“Git! Miserable shit,” Oat shouted.
“Language,” Pam screamed.
The rest of the day was highly uncomfortable. But Oscar was always smiling when he looked at Esther. After dinner they volunteered to clean up the kitchen before leaving. If Pam had dirtied one dish, she had used every dish she owned.
Christmas dinner in Oscar’s mind was already a nightmare and they hadn’t even left the house yet. He had thrown up three times since he rolled out of bed. He just knew this was going to be a disaster by no fault of Esther’s. Why did he ask her? Why did he get her involved in his seventh layer of hell? But here she was on his door step all smiles holding a poinsettia.
“Good morning.”
“Indeed,” he groaned.
“You look very pale, are you okay?”
“Who could say?” He fell on the couch.
“If you dread it so bad, then why do you go?” Her voice was calm. She sat the plant on the coffee table and joined him on the couch.
“Duty. I always do what is expected of me. Always have. The woman that gave me life has demanded I be at Christmas dinner. What do you say?”
“Treat me like a human being and I will.” He took a deep breath. “If I may be blunt, what relationship are you afraid of destroying?” She asked.
“I have asked myself that a million times.”
“And what answer do you come up with?”
“It’s always the same thing; I have too.”
“Close your eyes.” He did so, “tell me how this day will play out.”
“We will ride together to where I grew up. The house will be filled with noise, screaming children, mom yelling at Otis to control his children. P,” he paused. “Priscilla screaming at the kids. Otis telling her ‘to leave them babies alone they’re just playin’. It’s m. f’ing Christmas after all.’”
“Where are you in all of this?”
“Sitting in the living room amidst the turmoil.”
“Tell me something good about the day.”
He thought for a long time. “Nothing.”
“Not even the food.”
“Not today.” He opened his eyes, “let’s just get this over with.”
As they stood, Esther put her arms around him holding him tight. His heart was racing, she could feel it. She reached up and held his face in her hands, “O, it will be okay.”
“Promise me that.” He whispered.
“I can’t. But I promise you that I will be there no matter what.”
He bent down and kissed her. She was his life line. He wondered if she could feel it.
“What no, ‘I’m sorry’?” She smiled, playfully.
“Not to-day.” He couldn’t smile.
“The Oscar I know is polite and respectful. Your family does know I’m coming with you?”
“Of course.”
The ride to his family’s house was a silent one. They took Esther’s jeep.
She couldn’t help thinking how beautiful it was. The trees and ground were covered with snow. But there again, if you grew up here, it probably didn’t look that great to you. More like a chore instead of beauty.
The family was less than pleased when Esther walked through the door. And my oh my how Oscar was right. The house was nothing but a ball of noise. Going from the quiet house that he lived in to this amusement park was culture shock.
“Well I’ll be gol danged,” Otis spat. “If you didn’t buy a jeep.”
“No, that would be mine.” Esther smiled.
“Language,” Pam scolded.
They both got to meet Doris. She wasn’t a bad looking woman. She was about five foot nothing and looked like a dwarf to Oscars 6’2”. Her hair was jet black with a white stripe down the center. When she smiled she had four teeth, all in front. The end!
Esther had to give Oscar his due, he was polite to her. But nothing more.
Esther felt like a duck in a swan pond. Oscar wasn’t doing much better but at least these were his kin. As she looked at everyone, she couldn’t help thinking that he didn’t belong either.
Doris was pouring it on thick; which was both funny and sickenin’ to watch.
She decided it was time to take a look around outside. To her delight, it had started snowing. Christmas seemed more like Christmas when it was snowing.
The back of the house seemed to be its best feature. The yard extended for five hundred feet, then dropped off into a thick wilderness. She thought that if she could stretch her full 5’5” she could reach the top of the mighty pine that was a stone’s throw from where she stood. The trees were endless; for miles and miles they went in all directions. It was a postcard picture of snow covered green pine. The only thing that was amiss was the smoke from a chimney that cut up out of the forest and mixed with the grayness of the sky then was gone. She took a deep breath filling her lungs full of the scent of pine, a faint hint of smoke, and Old Spice.
Oscar was standing directly behind her. He slid his arms around her waist. “You abandoned me.”
“Honey, you abandoned me when we left your house.”
“Sorry, this whole day just stresses me out. I know you are only being supportive.”
“This is amazing, will you look at this view.” She took another deep breath. This time it was all Old Spice. “Do you realize just how sexy Old Spice is?”
I’ve been thinking about the prompt a lot since I read it. The things I think I need are not things one would traditionally as for as gifts: 2 sides of my house need siding, gutters, a fence for my front yard. Vacations, health, wealth, while nice, these are not gifts that I want to receive. Maybe a new spine? I’d like to meet a couple people but my loved ones can’t make that happen. I just share the next phase in my dialogue can change this posts.
Oscar lay on the couch. His stomach felt like a rock. Each time he moved, that rock moved and it was painful. How he just wanted to hold Esther. What a way to spend Christmas Eve.
He should call her. It hurt too much to get up and get his phone. Why? Why did he do this to himself?
Music filled his head. He and Esther were dancing. Where? He wasn’t sure. It looked like they were inside a cloud. It was just the two of them. He laid her backwards. Though he couldn’t see (just that cloud), he could hear the music; he could feel all the things he was doing to her. She was allowing him to explore. The song started playing again. Sweetly she whispered in his ear, ‘wake up my love.’
Someone was calling. When he moved, his stomach hurt. But to his delight that rock was gone.
“Hi,” he half moaned, half yawned.
“I’m sorry. I woke you.”
“I was dreaming about you.”
“Me?” He could hear the playfulness in her voice.
“I guess you trying to call me transferred to my dreams and we were dancing.”
“Do you have plans tonight?”
“No.”
“Wanna go ride around and look at Christmas lights? I’m made a few things we can nibble on when we get back. If you want to.”
Nibble, he thought. He knew something he wanted to nibble on. But yeah, he wanted to be with her. “Let’s do it.”
When he walked through the door, his stomach seized. It smelt so good. He tried his best to hide his pain. When she touched his face, he just closed his eyes, soaking her in.
“Are you sure you feel up to this?” She asked sweetly.
“Yes.” He put his hand over hers before removing it to kiss the top of it. “What have you fixed?”
“Grape jelly and chili sauce meatballs, you may not be able to eat. A cheese ball and pigs in a blanket. I have chips, popcorn. I tried to make fudge but I don’t know if it’s any good.” He hugged her up. “When we get back, we can watch Christmas movies if you want to. What’s your favorite one?”
“You’re gonna laugh at me.”
“Try me,” she teased as she put on her coat. Handing Oscar her keys.
“Trading Places.”
“Can’t say I’ve ever watched that.”
“Your turn.”
“Die Hard.”
They were now standing in the drive way. Oscar had his head down, fiddling with her keys. “We don’t have to go.”
He looked up at her with a sly grin on his face, “Die Hard?”
“What?” She teased.
“We could have a Die Hard marathon?”
He held the door open for her. She turned, kissing him softly, “we could.”
He stopped behind the jeep. Dear God, he pleaded. Help me.
The drive into town was a quiet one. Oscar was back in ‘that place’, Esther observed.
It took them awhile to find people that had actually decorated. But when they did… He took her to a community the locals called ‘Snob Knob’.
“Why?”
“They have big homes and expensive vehicles.”
“But not all rich people are snobbie.”
“I know.”
This community had done a fine job decorating. She guessed because it was Christmas Eve, everyone had the same idea. There was a lot of traffic in this area. If you could dream it, these folks did it. One family was even giving out hot chocolate.
“How big is this community?”
“Maybe a mile back through here.”
“Feel like walkin’?”
They walked hand in hand, sipping at their hot chocolate. Picking out their favorites. Best decorated house, most original, classiest, coolest, hardest to decorate, and of course most over the top. In the middle of it all was a tree. Just a regular tree someone had covered from limb to limb in white lights.
She cuddled closer to him. “I think that is so romantic.”
“Romantic?”
“Yeah,” she laid her head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of it. Light snow started falling as they stood staring at this romantic tree. “To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake it is necessary to stand out in the cold.” She caught one in her hand.
“Aristotle.” He commented. She hugged him up. Oscar thought how soft she was. How good she smelt. If it was possible for a man to melt, he might. Was she God’s answer to his screaming?
It was three days till Christmas. And every day, his family was blowing up his phone wanting something. Things he would not supply even if he had the means. A new van. New tires to go on the truck. Pipes froze and busted. You name it, they wanted it. Each time, he gave them a community resource that might or might not help them.
He was pacing his living room floor. Every year on Christmas he felt duty bound to endure dinner at his mother’s. No matter how he felt about her, this was the woman that brought him into this cruel world. His brother would be there with the circus that would never leave town family of his. They always wanted money. Money! Money! Money! It was like trying to cover a knife wound with a band aid. If he let them, they would bleed him dry. And this year Doris would be there. He had no intentions of hookin’ up with Doris. His heart was elsewhere.
Why even bother with presents? He asked himself as he paced across the floor. It isn’t like they give a crap.
He jerked on his coat and headed out the door. Why indeed?
He had eventually made himself sick with all his worrying. He had their little presents; knowing full well that they would talk about him when he left. All their angry words filled his mind. Cheap ass bastard. You would think on a teacher’s salary he could afford real presents. He didn’t get us a damn thing we wanted. You know that his truck and house are paid for, why’s he being a selfish ass? My kids need more than a damn toy. What’s this shit all about? Christian my ass!
God help me! He screamed in his mind.
“Hi,” Esther opened her door with that bright smile of hers. “Come in.”
He pulled her to him and kissed her, then held her for a moment. “I’m sorry.” He rested his head on her forehead. “I’m sorry.”
“Each time you kiss me, are you gonna say ‘I’m sorry.’”
“No, I shouldn’t have barged in like this.”
“All is forgiven.” She took his coat. “Banana bread.”
He smelt the air. The warm smell caused his stomach to growl and cramp at the same time. So much so that he almost buckled to the floor. He stood there frozen, holding his stomach, just trying to breathe.
“O, what’s wrong?” She caressed his face. “Can you make it to the couch?” He didn’t move. She spoke softly as she held on to his shoulders. “Step to your left.” As he did, daggers stabbed him in the stomach. He put his hand over his mouth. They stood there for a long time. When he removed his hand from his mouth, she spoke again. “One more step to the left.” It wasn’t daggers this time. It was a wave of nausea. His knees buckled under him; but he was able to grab onto the arm of the couch for support. “See how close you are?”
He did see. If he was going to be sick, he might as well do it right. He lay down unable to move any farther. She wiped his face with a cold cloth. The thought did come to her mind whether or not he even knew she was there.
After several hours, he stirred, sniffing the air. “Did you say that was banana bread?”
She giggled, “it was fresh out of the oven. And I assume you’ve had nothing to eat today?”
“No.” He sat up and pulled her into him. He buried his face in her neck. “You smell so good.”
“Thanks.”
As he let go of her he said, “let’s eat.”
As they sat at her table with their warm bread and cold milk, his mind wondered back to the horror that was Christmas.
Oscar looked lost again. He had gone to ‘that place’. “Where are you?”
Should he ask her? Why should he put another human through his 10th level of hell? Ask, that voice spoke inside his head.
“Would you be interested in going with me to Christmas dinner at my mother’s? I realize this is short notice, but I haven’t had the courage to ask you before now. Before you say anything, I just want you to know my brother and his family live with my mom.”
“Don’t forget Doris,” she smiled reaching across the table and held her hand out to him. He took it. “It would be my pleasure.”
“Tell me something.”
“I’ll try.”
“We are not supposed to worry. We are to let Jesus burden our load. How?”
“I always try 1 Corinthians 10:13, no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
“How did you get so smart?” He tried to smile but couldn’t.
“The school of hard knocks.”
“How’s your stomach?”
“Doing flip flops around my ass.”
She smiled, “I know that shouldn’t be funny, but it is. Oh,” she got up going into her bedroom. Coming back with a book. “If you feel up to it, I think everyone in America should read this book. Even if you don’t have someone close to you that has a mental illness.” The book was ‘Crazy’ by Pete Early. ‘A father’s search through America’s mental health madness’. G. P. Putnam’s Sons 2006. “This book helped me a lot with trying to understand what my grandparents might have went through with my dad. If you don’t want to read it, no hurt feelings.”
Poetry & More 