Lonely

Oscar tossed and turned in his bed. There was no sleeping. The day that his brother shot Esther kept playing in his mind. They hadn’t said goodnight to each other or gave each other a good night kiss. He couldn’t stand it. His call, it went unanswered. He wouldn’t let the night pass in such a fashion. The knock on her door went unanswered. He found her sitting on the back porch.

“Ess, we can’t end the day like this,” he stood in the yard waiting for her to respond.

“How shall we end it then?” Her voice was flat and dry. Had she been crying?

“May I come up?”

“Sure.”

He moved a chair to where he was facing her, “honey, have you been crying?”

“Can’t fool you.” She snubbed.

“Oh God, my love, do you need money?”

She gave a long sigh, “I’m good for now.”

“Then tell me what you need.”

“We’ve had this conversation.” He lowered his head. “Oscar, I can’t tell you not to be afraid. I can’t tell you that bad things won’t happen to me. All I can do is tell you that I love you, pray for the best and plan for the worst.” She paused, “I miss it. I’m not sure if I miss the job or the people that I worked with.”

Oscar’s voice was but a whisper, “are you lonely?”

“I hate that word.” She hissed.

“Talk to me.”

She held his hand, “and tell you what?”

He knelt on the porch in front of her. “Tell me what I need to do to make you happy. Tell me what I need to do to fulfil you. There’s no gag orders here, what do I have to do to make you talk to me?”

She jumped up out of her chair, “I’m lonely. There I said it. Are you happy?” She turned back around to face him. “I don’t have anyone to talk to while you’re at work. I don’t have anything to do. I set here on my ass all day long. When I first got here, I needed the rest; I was a giant ball of stress. Then after the letter came, again, I needed the rest, the weight of the unknown world had been lifted off my shoulders and I just wanted to rest. Now that’s gone.” She lowered her voice and closed her eyes. “Oscar this has nothing to do with you. I love you. I love being part of your world. But I don’t have a world right now for you to be a part of.”

He got up out of the porch, “I disagree. You live. You have a world.”

“What is it?” She pleaded. “Tell me what my world is.”

“What about being a house wife?”

She laughed, “me? A house wife?”

“You know that look you said I get when I come home to a hot meal?”

“Yes.” She was now leaning up against the banisters.

“It’s not just because of the food.” He paused praying that she wouldn’t think he was crazy. “It’s because you’re here waiting for me. You always have your arms open for me wrapping me up in a warm strong embrace. No matter how horrible my day has been; the sight of your smile, the warmth of your embrace, your smell, it makes everything better.” He rubbed his face with his hands. “I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose you.” He whispered, “I can’t.” He walked over beside her, “I’m not strong enough Esther.”

She placed her hand on his chest over his heart. He let out a long sigh. “So what’s next?” She asked.

“Let me pray about it. Let it sink in. Let’s talk about it more. I’ve got another week.” When she looked at him there were tears in his eyes.

She wiped away his tears, “please don’t cry.”

“Why can’t I be enough?”

“Let me ask you this. If you lost your job tomorrow, could I really fill your life? After having worked the last twenty plus years, can you honestly say that I would be enough?”

He placed his hand over hers, “I would like to think so.”

“I don’t want you to find out. I don’t want you to lose your job after you’ve worked so hard to get it.”

He held her face in his hands, “I love you so much. I just….I can’t.” He held his hand toward her. She accepted it and he led her into the house, to bed and into an embrace he would give her every night that she would allow him. If this is what he had to do to show her that he loved her, he would gladly do it. He just held her.

Esther was standing in front of the stove stretching out her back and shoulders as the last couple seconds ticked away on the timer. Oscar heard her shoulder pop, the one that gave her so much trouble. The timer went off and she sat the hot pot on the counter. He could have stood there the rest of the day and watched her but instead he wrapped his arms around her waist.

“Good morning,” she purred. “I didn’t hear you get up.”

“I know.” He pulled her close, kissing her neck, up around her ears. “I’m so sick of oatmeal.”

“I know. Let’s go to the grocery today and look for new things you can eat.” She enjoyed it when he was behind her. To her, it was a position where he was in control. She ran her fingers through his hair.

He slowly worked his hands up her abdomen as he ran his nose through her hair. He kissed her left shoulder.

She turned facing him. His eyes were closed and his lips were parted. She ran her fingers through his hair again as she drew him toward her. Though she felt she hadn’t perfected her version of THAT KISS, she was still working on it. He started falling catching himself on the counter.

As he pulled away, she rested her hands on his chest, feeling him breathe.

“When we are married, I’m going to show you a new way to eat oatmeal.” She giggled.

“You’ll have to.”

Winter Season

Ride and talk

Oscar closed his eyes. An engine started and headlights came on.

“Looks like someone came for you.” Bell smiled. Oscar looked at both of them, “we didn’t call her if that’s what you’re thinkin’ .” Bell was still smiling. She held up her cell phone, “I can prove it.”

For the first few miles, there was silence. Oscar knew he needed to say something but he had no idea where to start. He took a deep breath before saying, “thank you.”

Her voice was flat. “You’re welcome.”

He put his face in his hands, “please pull over.” She did. He turned to face her, “I have just found the love of my life. I’m not ready to lose you.” He paused waiting to see if she would respond. When she didn’t, he moved on. “I would like to think that I am a modern man; and that I can handle you being a cop. But when it all boils right down to it, you could be killed the first day on the job.”

“With as many school shootings that have been in the news, you have a chance of being killed on the job as well. As a matter of fact, each time you get in the car you are gamblin’ with your life.”

He gave a heavy sigh, “I know. But your job screams danger.”

“I have been actively looking for a job since May. Even in Hazard. There’s nothing I can do. There are nurses, truck drivers, and fast food workers. The end. And,” she paused holding up her finger at him. “I applied for some of those fast food jobs. Do you know what one of the managers at Dairy Queen told me, I’m over-qualified and I would have a good shot at getting his job and he didn’t want to risk that.”

Oscar looked stunned for a moment, “Ess, I’m sorry. I really am. But all I can see is you getting killed. I don’t want you to die. I know I’m being selfish.” He took another deep breath.

“If your brother would have been standing in the yard instead of being in the road, I could have died.”

“But I didn’t know about that. I didn’t see that coming.” He took another deep breath, “why can’t we live off my income?”

“I have no idea what your finances are,” she held up her hand. “And at this point, I don’t want to know.”

“My finances are good. I will be delighted to show you my portfolio when we get home.”

“I have been working since I was 10 at something to make money; a paper route, recycling cans, mowing, babysitting. I don’t know what to do with myself. I get up, fix you breakfast, clean up the mess. I fix you dinner, clean up the mess. Which I’m not complainin’ about that, I enjoy cooking. I enjoy seeing that look on your face when you come home to a hot meal. But what about the rest of my day? What am I supposed to do? There’s only so much you can search for on the internet. Only so many books you can read. Only so many movies you can watch. What then? Who knows if I would even get the job? These guys aren’t retiring until December.” She stopped, lowering her voice. “I’ve been out of the game for a long time.”

“So why the deadline if none of this is happening until December?”

“He wants to start talkin’ with his superiors if I’m interested. Grease the wheels if you will.”

“Look,” he rubbed his fingers through his hair. “I’m not going to lie, I’m scared.”

She took his hands, “honey, I understand that. Do you know how that makes me feel that you care enough about me to tell me that you’re scared?”

“I can’t be the one to tell you not to take this job. I will not have you resenting me.”

“And I know me, I would.”

“My reasons are selfish.”

“And I’m sure if the situation was reversed, I would feel the same way. Most cops have a really hard time in marriages. And I’m not going to lie; cops have a high percentage of domestic violence in relationships. The violence in general, the adrenaline, the always having to look over your shoulder watching for that person that is ready to kill you. There are people in this world that hate cops just because they are cops.

“I know, God I know.” He laid his head on the head rest of his seat.

Winter Season

Friendly ear

Bell was sitting on the couch watching t.v. When the doorbell rang, she jumped out of her skin. She wasn’t expecting company. She had her p.j.’s on and was settled for the night. When she opened the door, there stood Oscar, soaked to the bone.

“Oh dear Lord, get in here. You’re gonna catch your death in this. Did you break down?” For the longest time he never said a word. Bell got him in front of the fire place and gave him a blanket. He wrapped himself up. She’d never really watched a person melt. But Oscar did the closest thing to it as he sat in the floor. “Chet’s on patrol.”

She sat in the floor with him. There was nothing behind his eyes. Nothing! However, they were blood shot. It could have been an effect of the rain.

He finally muttered, “I lost….” He trailed off.

When there was no farther information from him, she mentioned again. “Chet’s not here.”

“I didn’t come here to see Chet. I came here to talk to you.”

“Me?” She was a little shocked. Though they had known each other for a long time, Bell had never been alone with Oscar for more than a few minutes.

“I need to talk. I need to know how you handle being married to a cop?” Still his eyes never left the floor. “I’ve heard you scold him when he starts talking about the fun parts, the exciting parts, that it’s not all fun and games.”

She picked at her fingernails for a moment. “No, it’s not all fun and games. There have been a couple times that I have threatened to divorce him.” Oscar finally looked at her wild eyed. “No time recently.” She smiled and his expression soften. “Chet’s job is important. And I know that he loves me.”

“I know on both points.” Oscar reassured her.

“The introduction of the cellphone into our lives has been a tremendous marriage saver. I don’t text him much because I’m never really sure what he’s doing. But he texts me all the time to let me know where he is, how he is. Especially when he’s out late like this or out of town.” Her phone chirped. “See, there he is.” She smiled. “You have to talk to each other. There was this one time where he went out with the state police and the National Guard on a pot round-up. Two of the National Guardsmen had to be flown out because of injuries they had received. I was so scared that I wouldn’t talk to him for a week. Then, longer than that about what happened. If you have to be mad, be mad, but don’t shut them out. Even though they can’t tell you the who, they need to talk.”

“Do you always live in fear?”

“No, when I’m at work, I get wrapped up in my job. Senior citizens need a lot of attention. But it’s always in the back of my mind. That missed phone call, being in a place where he can’t text. But sometimes it’s the none violent things that are the scariest. An inmate one time threw feces on him. This guy crapped in the floor then as Chet walked past his cell, he threw a big hand full of it on him. You worry about what illness you’ve caught. But thank God there was nothing in it. But you never know.”

“How many guns are in the house?”

“Ten and a Louisville Slugger.” She blushed, “that’s for me. Oscar, why are you asking?”

“One of Esther’s buddies asked her if she was interested in rejoining the force. She wants to know how I feel about it?”

“I’m assuming since you’re here talking to me that you’re not thrilled about it?”

The key rattled in the lock and Chet walked through the door. “Hey baby,” Bell smiled a wide smile.

“Hello, darlin’.” Then Chet realized Oscar was sitting by the fireplace. “Hey buddy.” He looked confused.

Oscar stood, “thank you. I won’t intrude on your evening my friend.” He left the blanket by the fire and walked to the door.

“Wait a minute.” Chet called to him. “Did you walk here?”

“I’m pretty sure I did.” Oscar’s movements were like the old Oscar, slow and depressed. And at the moment, very wet.

“Let me take you home.”

“No, thank you. I need to think.” He stepped onto the porch followed by Chet and Bell.

It was raining harder than it was when he first got there.

“Oscar,” Bell spoke sweetly to him. “You really have to talk to her. About everything.” She was holding on to Chet’s arm.

“I thought I was modern enough to deal with this but I’m not so sure.” He just stared at the porch. “Am I a bad person for feeling this way?”

Bell looked at Chet and wanted to cry. Then she said, “no, you’re not. But you can’t function like this or there won’t be a marriage. If you can’t talk now, you’re surely not going to be able to talk later.”

“Man, let me take you home.” Chet asked again.

Winter Season

The visit

They had a wonderful Labor Day holiday. One that he relived over in his mind when class got boring and the day got long.

He came home to find Ess in the kitchen; which wasn’t unusual. He liked it actually. The smell of food cooking. Even though it had been bland. That wasn’t her fault. She hadn’t heard him come home. The music from the stereo was too loud to hear the gentleness of the front door. He didn’t know this song, it was poppy and fun and she was wiggling to it. The wiggling turned into gyration. Watching her was amazing. The way the fabric of her shorts moved against her movement. He was glued to the floor.  She turned around and squealed when she saw him.

He was able to unglue himself. “I didn’t mean to startle you.” He smiled as he walked toward her, kissing her with THAT KISS. She closed her eyes letting THAT KISS wash over her.

“Dinner smells good.” She had made a pot of beef stew. He leaned over the pot inhaling deeply. “Good heavens that really smells so good.” His stomach growled like a tiger.

“I thought we might mix it up a little. I didn’t put a whole lot of seasoning in it. So I’m hoping that it won’t hurt you.”

“Shall we be brave and have cornbread?”

Just as he spoke a timer went off and she pulled a cast iron skillet from the oven. “Hmm,” he moaned.

He was very careful. Although he wanted to eat the entire pot, he only ate about a cup. It was all he could do.

They retired to the back porch. The chill in the air was nice. They sat all curled up together in a blanket. “How was your day?” She asked.

“Things are getting a little better. More back to normal.” He squeezed her closer to him. “What did you do today other than make a wonderful dinner?” Rain drops started falling, forcing them inside. They took to the couch. She was in her favorite spot; laying on his chest listening to his heartbeat. She wasn’t going to bring up her day unless he mentioned it again. This could go all shades of wrong and she knew it. After some time he finally asked her again, “what did you do today?”

She rose up and sat facing him. “Chaz came by to visit me today.”

Oscar looked at her a moment before saying anything, “he’s the big fellow?”

She smiled, “yeah.” Knowing full well he knew who Chaz was.

“Social call?” He could tell she was nervous. And she could hear the distaste in his voice.

“No, not really.” She played with the sleeves of her oversized sweatshirt. “Three of his co-workers are getting ready to retire. I still have fifth-teen years of service left and he wanted to know if I was interested in one of the positions?”

Oscar set up straighter on the couch. He whispered, “and?”

“I told him that I wanted to talk it over with you. See what your take was and that I would get back to him two weeks from Friday.” She finally looked up at Oscar. He was staring out the window.

“I’m assuming you mean full uniform, guns, tasers, handcuffs; the whole nine yards.” When he made eye contact with her, there was fear in his eyes.

“You assumed correctly. This decision affects both of us. That’s why I want to know how you feel about it.”

“After what happened with the review board, why would you want to?”

“It’s all I know. It’s all I’ve done.”

He was in shock. Could he really let the woman that he loved be in such a dangerous profession? He remembered what he said to her about not having an issue with women being in dangerous jobs. But it was different when that female had a personal connection to you. He loved her. Wanted her to be happy; but wasn’t sure how to feel about this? What if she got killed? What was he supposed to do then? Why couldn’t she be happy with just one income? Why wouldn’t she let him take care of her? His thoughts were going haywire.

She got up.

He was shocked, “what are you going?”

“Clean up the kitchen ,” she replied.

His mind went blank. He stood staring at her. He needed to think but couldn’t.

She watched him walk out the door. It was raining harder now than it had been. His mind wondered to that great night they spent playing in the rain. This rain was much too cold. He was standing in the middle of the road, not really wanting to go home. Wanting to go back to Esther, but was reluctant to. What could he possibly say to her?

So he started walking.

Winter Season